2022

Making Choices I Can Live With Without Regrets

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Hi Everyone!
I am having my coffee and cigarette at 3:00 am this morning with a climate temperature of 46°. I am listening to my pandora app reminding me of yesteryear in country music.

Remembering Barbara Mandrell and Pam Tillis. You cannot remember Pam Tillis w/out remembering her father Mel Tillis, who sang “CocaCola Cowboy” Johnny Paycheck “Take This Job and Shove It.” Those artists take me back to a simpler time. But I am not here to talk about country artists. They are favorites I am listening to while waking up with my mug of hot coffee and cigarette.

I love the fact I slept 3 hours wake up to my super clean apartment.

Now, most of the cleaning I have done to keep myself. I am living in the habit of cleaning, which has been fully ingrained in me. If it took 55 years, so be it. I love the apartment that I do call my house.
Yesterday I interview and hired with the agency a caregiver. She had me at the fact of moving things out from the edges of my kitchen to sweep and mop. She even makes her cleaning solutions at home. It is something she does for herself with her own home.

I think she is an old soul who cleans like a lot of our grandmas have and tried to pass down to us.
I am looking forward to becoming fully organized in my supplies, cleaning filing, and dresser drawers. The closets will not be hard to organize, because there is not much room in them, to begin with.
I have been staying busy doing a lot of cleaning and less eating. I ate poorly the last week and a half by overindulging in all kinds of foods to not feel.

I have been dealing with the fact of me trying to avoid the grief I have associated with a couple of deaths. The fact is I have to deal with death without using food. I also do not want to use lack of sleep to become constantly sleeping to avoid things. This has been my pattern in the recent past. I am making decisions to making choices to deal healthily with myself.

I am doing my best to break out of isolation and call people. If I have not called or visited some of you in a long time; I am working on it. It is not because I do not care. Today it is all about trying to keep a balance and get back into trying to get there with you. That is the people I have regularly been in contact with in the past.

I do want to live my best life possible in every way I can do so.
This kind of reminds me how when young wanting my own real family and getting them. The next thing I was doing everything I could to get away from them. Now being an adult and recovering from life itself; I am trying every which way I know how to get back with them again.

We all have and make our choices. Sometimes there are more chances and sometimes you run out of chances. Today I want to make choices that I can live with, without regrets.
Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!
God Bless Y’all Everybody!

Edit: For facts of Johnny Paycheck And Mel Tillis and their perspective songs.

Realizing I Am Too Much Of An Enabler

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Hi Everyone!

Today I received a call from the agency asking how things were going. All the same consensuses from others they called to poll the caregiver. However, I seem to be the only one not wanting someone to lose their job. But I was not going to lie. To sum up, what they implied, I was too easy and should join the bandwagon.

I look at our economy and how everything is going. It is hard enough even if you are working these days. I have always held on to the belief if you cannot make it, then it should be your aim to help someone else over the top, if they do not do you dirty. This could be the definition of an enabler.

However, if I had to judge today’s tasks, everything is done excellently. She took the storm window out of the storm door to clean it. That is a task I have needed to be done ever since I moved in. I was proud of my helper for that. She took time to carefully dust every piece of my Livingroom furniture the vacuuming of my Livingroom and bedroom.

Still, I know there are areas she needs to work on. There are the things I just flat out will not be ready to trust her or even anyone new to do. I do want to help myself as much as possible for as long as I can. This comes especially important since my health is improving.

I am sure soon they will be switching her out at least. It is the cycle of life in the work environment. I must be willing to change as well. I am not doing so bad. But always needed improvement on my part and the parts I play in my own life.

I always play a part in things I allow to go on. I am not willing to give up though, at the first sight of something rubbing me the wrong way. I mean I know; in the past, I have in certain situations. I must confess I was usually too overbearing or wanted everything just the way I wanted it.

Everything points to balance. I have been writing this article since Monday. In this time, I have given thought to the fact if I had to make decisions for a loved one, I would not allow the same of what I do for myself.

Right now, I am on the edge and thinking about how the next week goes if I am willing to keep the current caregiver.

Yesterday as of Wednesday, it had not even hardly begun to drizzle when she said she wanted to cut the day short. Her words as soon as she showed up. She acted like I needed to be grateful to get groceries in before the great storm.

Do not get me wrong I am grateful, but that is not the end of it all.

She has the responsibility of doing her job. Anything else is not my problem. I will work with situations, but I will not continue to enable others to the best of my ability.

I have the responsibility and privilege of taking care of myself. Part of that means ensuring a caregiver that is paid to help me, do their part.

Thank you for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

The Weeks’ Work And Rest Finding Balance

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Hey Everybody!

I have had a long week like everyone else. I am happy with myself that I am getting healthier and healing. The important thing about this week has been doing my own laundry. It was more important to show the medical staff the fruits of my labor and blood tests to prove it.

I am needing a balanced routine it has been proven to me, that I struggle with balance. I keep looking ahead and right in front of me. If I get too far ahead, I see impossibility, so I need to stay in this twenty-four-hour.

This weekend is about rest and sleep. If you do not get enough rest and sleep the weight will add on. You need more than one meal a day otherwise everything is self-sabotaged. Keeping the medicine regime and exercise.

Let us recap to stay on track. We need a regular routine of self-care: hygiene, exercise, medicine, sleep, and rest. We also need to ask for help when needed. My showers are so important they are my me-time emotionally and spiritually. I can cry, laugh, talk to myself, talk to God, and meditate all in the shower. Oh, and sing!

I struggle with check-ins. I am supposed to be checking in by keeping my appointment with my therapist and calling 2-3 people. I do get overwhelmed and overtired. I way oversleep. I do not mean to, but it is one more thing to change.

Some days I just want someone to hug me and say everything is all right; you are doing great just keep hanging in there.

I keep doing the dishes, sweeping, mopping, laundry, and taking some of the trash out, I even took the blinds down, washed, rinsed, and hung them back up. I vacuum. I have my helper break down boxes and take the trash out. I also have her wash sanitize doors and handles and now I am preparing all my meals. I do have my helper get the mail.

I also have my helper do some of the vacuuming sweeping and mopping.

I send my helper on errands I do not have transportation for. To be fair I order most of my groceries and supplies for delivery. The balance just is elusive most days.

I refuse to let everything stay the same. Growth is an absolute need. The acceptance of life on life’s terms is one thing. I can change myself and be happier and healthier while accepting those terms.

I have also contemplated the caregiver’s point of view. They are wondering most of the time if they are giving enough care. If they are doing the balancing act correctly with meals, medication, exercises, and personal care? While I have been a CNA in the past, I cannot imagine doing that for someone else today.

It is just as important caregivers do these things for themselves as much as they do for the ones, they care for.

I am doing what I can for myself today. I hope to keep changing and keep getting healthier.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!

My Helper’s Motivating Me To Do It

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Hey Everybody !

Here I am again. This time I am talking about, using my caregiver as motivation for me to just do it. It is hard for me to comprehend just how set I am in my ways of doing things. I am telling you; I have higher expectations for doing a task than most are willing to do.

I am having to set reasonable boundaries; this is something brand new for me and stick to them. It makes me nervous and anxious because for me it is usually confronting something.

I remarked to her face that washing hands are important when touching food, dishes, anything, or anyone, that washing hands is important. She is temporary. Therefore, she is my motivator for me to do my own tasks.

I will just have her do things that are not in direct contact with me. I do not dread this woman; I feel sorry for her. That can be a downfall for me too. She is helping me get stronger; in the fact, I can do more for myself.

How does this fit in with gratitude, recovery, and my spiritual life? Physically, it is helping me do more and be more active. This also helps me emotionally. I have gratitude for being able to do more than I have been able to do in the last 4 years. I must slow down and think what I am going to say; and take those pauses so that I speak clearly, nicely, and still make my statements.

I feel like this helper is to teach me more about understanding rather than me being understood. However, I am also finding my voice and to live peacefully as possible.

Everything changes and I am hoping to keep changing with learning to be more tolerant.

I am loving myself today. I love my apartment and want to take care of it and me. There is more work to do on improving myself and my apartment. The main thing is keeping the promise to myself to do better. There are things I have not done well. I am keeping stock of those and trying to correct those things. They are a huge struggle. In the meantime, it is about being grateful for what has changed, and what I continue to do for improvement.

I refuse to go back to the way I once lived. One day, I hope to get the thorn out of my side and be free. I am working up to trying to get out at least once a month for something I want socially.

Even with all the help and money in the world, no one can do our work for us.

  • I am grateful for hot coffee on such a freezing morning.
  • I am grateful for changes.
  • I am grateful that I can see myself truthfully today.
  • I am grateful for my own space.
  • I am grateful for God who loves and understands me trying to better know Him amid my wrongs.
  • I am grateful I get to change my story today.
  • I am grateful for the desire to have a sincere relationship with myself.
  • I am grateful for the way out.
  • I am grateful for the different seasons and patience.
  • I am grateful there is more life, and that I get to take care of what I currently have in all things.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’All Everybody!

Gratitude In Changes And Taking Care Of Myself

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Good morning!

Happy Tuesday morning.

I am looking forward to the day opening with almost having a heatwave of 58° here in Southeast Missouri. I am starting my day with gratitude for that alone. It is a wonderful day to open the apartment and let fresh air in.

It is also a wonderful day to get my walking in. I want more exercise than these four walls. I hope to get a few pictures hung. I want to enjoy myself just being at home with no nurse visits or helpers today.

I have a new caregiver coming on Wednesday. I want time to myself today.

  • I am grateful for a beautiful day.
  • I am grateful enjoying my coffee undisturbed and in relative silence.
  • I am grateful to share my experiences with others.
  • I am grateful for my genuine smile on the inside as well today.
  • I am grateful for regaining physical strength.
  • I am grateful I am not in the dumps today.
  • I am grateful for help and those who look out for me.
  • I am grateful for the choice to do better.
  • I am grateful there is the chance to live happy and purposeful.
  • I am grateful for family and friends. You all mean more to me than I could ever put in a list.

I get the choice to take care of myself in effective ways today. For me, it must start with gratitude. Just being grateful to wake up today. To see the beauty in life. In another time and place that was a dream. Today it is my reality.

In doing everyday things to make my meals today. There were times I was unable to make myself a meal. Today I can.

I am also thinking about my one word for the year, which is the word, seek. I had a small thought of what that might mean for me this year. The truth being, some of the things I have shared in my recent posts, I had no idea I would share. The thing for me to recognize is I am not the same person today.

I have and will talk to God about those matters.

I am not willing to live a life based on anger and needless worry. I am not willing to stay in depression and pull the covers over my head every day.

I have issues to deal with. I will not let those issues overtake me today. As I am unable to live anyone else’s life nor can anyone live my life.

It has taken me years to stop taking your temperature to see if I am okay. Guess what? I am doing great! There are still areas of my life that need work and thank goodness for grace. I am not responsible for other people’s feelings today.

I got my own backyard and sidewalk to clean. I cannot be meddling in yours.
I am going to keep seeking a happy, joyous, and free life.

I also want to say I am grateful for all the teachers in my life. I have been told by others and believe them; I can have a good life. I am going for it!

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’All Everybody!

The Choices We Face In Going Forward

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Howdy!

We are making it through another day.

It is so easy to isolate and forget to check in. It can be okay if taking time in solitude and reflection of our lives. However, for me it just leads to too much time alone inside my head. There really is too much me in my mind. It leads to unproductive time and that can be a slippery slope.

I avoid the significant issues because they are painful and often come up even in my dreams as I sleep. Making the changes and getting through each obstacle that comes up can prove difficult. It is possible to work through the changes. The truth shall set me free.

Today, I am trying to find gratitude again in that I can keep dealing with others. I have had to deal with someone stealing from me and I do not want to be angry. At the same time, I have had to look at myself. I have had to look at the fact I made it too easy for it to happen.

Now I am finding alternative ways to deal with the situation. I had a part in this happening. I enabled the person to do this and having thrown away the proof, I have chosen to take precautions and be initiative-taking. I cannot stress enough how important it is to document everything, especially in finances.

The gratitude I find in this situation is in being taught a lesson. The lesson is, the fact there are protocols in place for a reason. If you remove them because you think everyone is honest, you can easily be disappointed. It is not a time to be passive.

I have had to go back and look at my past. In my recovery, I have learned a lot. I cannot even imagine the sting I have left upon others in my whirlwind of the life I have led.

I am no angel, but I am not the worst. The self-loathing can send me into self-pity if I allow it. I do not want self-pity to be my story or legacy. Therefore, changes are necessary, and taking responsibility for my predicament. Blaming does not help anyone. It is in acting and taking responsibility that will bring about change. The reality is I stayed in bed for two days and dwelled on this situation. The difference is I am now making a gratitude list and planning. A lot of the time by me doing the next right thing is delayed.

I do not always do the best things for myself, but I am changing despite myself. I have the choice to take the higher road and prevent the same thing from happening repeatedly.

If I choose to hold this as a resentment, it only hurts me.
It does not solve the situation. I do not want to wake up angry every day brooding because something happened to me. I did this for too long with other things. It made my life a wreck.

There is a way out with the tools at my feet. I do not have to stay self-imprisoned over negative things today. The choice is mine.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’All Everybody!

Seeing And FeelingThe Benefits Of Changes

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Good morning to Everyone!

Seeing and feeling the benefits of changes can help stay the course of action. My physical appearance seems to change for the better when I take the necessary actions. My emotional balance is even keel.

When I step on the scales of a morning it gives me feedback on how well I treated my body. This is dependent on the loss or gain of my weight. The healing comes in making such changes to my diet according to my choices.

When I entered the rooms of recovery, I did not know I could make choices. Everything just happened to me was my mindset. I was a victim of my own circumstances.

I stayed a victim because I never picked up the tools of choices and change.

Every thought I allow matters. People could not understand me because I was different, you see. They did not know my life or how hard it was and what a victim I had been. Oh, poor me! All these things happened to me. What could happen if I had a choice?

My usual reply to that was I did not have a choice. But my ears perked up when I heard, meeting makers make it! Making it to a meeting to make it through life. Those meetings did not pay my bills or put food on the table. They only kept me as warm or cold for as long as they lasted.

The meetings did not guarantee me a job if I was not looking for a job.

Then came a point where I did get jobs. I could put food on the table. I could pay bills. I did not have any peace. I was still an angry, obese, alcoholic, and addict. I still did not make the changes necessary. I had the lingo down though.

Would having the lingo down and repeating what I hear be enough?

I stayed sick and got sicker as the disease was running my life because I allowed it to. There it was, I had made a choice! I made a choice to do nothing and expect everything on a silver platter. Oh, and people better straighten up and act right, according to my will and thoughts.

Who knew I was still playing God?

It is not like I just woke up one day and snapped out of it. Repeatedly for years went the line of: “If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it — then you are ready to take certain steps. ~ Alcoholics Anonymous, 4th Edition, How It Works, Page 58~” But my internal voice always said, but I am different!

I would make a few good changes and go back to my way of thinking. I would get grateful for a while, then get angry and stay that way.

Sooner later people would find out the doctors would find out there is something wrong with me. They did find something was wrong with me. I was not following any of their orders. I lacked self-discipline.

I was not ready to take certain steps. I did not and have not ever taken directions well. Many of us, became only willing as the dying can be in such times.

A year ago, I was on my way to getting out of this life on earth. Thirteen ambulance calls with an oxygen level of 82-89. I was hospitalized and then put in a rehabilitation center for close to a month.

I have received some benefits of healing. I am taking the necessary steps and making the changes the best I can in this twenty-four-hour period.

I am less angry and doing my best to hand that over to God each time it crops up. I am working through the steps of a program of recovery. More is being revealed.

The thoughts I allow today make changes. Those changes are both good and bad depending on the time and day. Every change begins with a thought.

What will I allow in my thoughts today? I have that choice today.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’All Everybody!

Asleep Behind The Keyboard Mindful of Myself

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Hey Everybody,

I fell asleep in my office chair extremely exhausted. This week the not so pretty parts of my story have become known. The writer part of me cannot hold back what the answers are in my journey; and the spiritual side will not let me hide those things at least in general.

My goal has always been to be authentic and true to myself. To walk and be free of the bondage of self is the ultimate. I will do my best to never tell anyone’s story but my own.

I have been trying to unlearn the masking process and the pretend way of life. I had no prior knowledge of even writing this tonight. Lots of things seem to be happening that I have not planned to share. I do not share the negative parts because I am proud of them.

I have been sharing everything to finally be free, find understanding, as well as help another person.

Just maybe finally the cycle of insanity can be broken. I do believe that there are parts of our lives that can heal in the blink of an eye, but mostly a lot of my healing has come in the form of education. Taking the steps to freedom means work.

I will be the first to tell you I am lazy when it comes to working. Once I start and I am in the salt mines of these steps, I am working! I just did not realize I would take a season for each thing. I am hoping to move faster.

I have to say in my past work, I thought a lot of the amends were to everyone I shared about in previous steps. They are to a degree but a lot more are related to my shortcomings and refusal of letting go at times. I have dreams and thoughts come to me to prepare for the future of my journey. They are painful and gut-wrenching ones.

I have said I could author a book about my own life. Every one of us, could take our lives and make a movie about them. I am just not sure we would want every scene to play out in front of everyone. Thank goodness we can change. We can heal, forgive, we can be forgiven, and sweep our side of the street.

Most of what I learn is from someone else, who has been taught by someone else. The latest phrase I do have to share is simply this, learning to stay in our own lane. If I can just stay in my own lane and not be nosey about your lane, I will do well.

My goodness! My own lane has enough work, without me wanting to stick my nose in where it does not belong! This does not mean we stop communication; we just keep the necessary boundaries and be supportive when we can.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’All Everybody!

Humility Gives A New Outlook And Strength

/ boxcarmike / 2 Comments
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Hi Everybody!

It is great to be behind the keyboard once more. My hope is that at least one person feels helped by my sharing whenever that time may come, even if it is not today.

If I use humility as the tool to look at myself square in the eye and just admit them. Humility as a tool means I finally stop trying to explain my wrongs away. Once, I have listed my shortcomings and acknowledge them, as well as give all of myself to my Creator.

Reprinted.76 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous

My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding. (“The Seventh Step Prayer”) Amen

With What I have shared in the past two posts, this is only a beginning for me in trying to repair the wreckage I have caused, in the lives of others and my own.

I often drag my feet in doing the next right thing. It is because I hate having to face the fact of one more wrong. However, if I am to ever be free from the bondage of self it is necessary to do so.

In my wrongs, it is not the fact I was drunk or high. It is the fact of having an alcoholic mind and living with untreated alcoholism. On the other hand, every time I drank or got high there was usually an embarrassing scene.

In my fifty years plus of living nothing has been more apparent, than the embarrassment of my behavior because things were not going my way. The aftermath has been horrible; at times I want to give myself that as an excuse to not look at my behavior. I cannot change behaviors I am unwilling to look at.

The difference is today that I do want to do the next right thing. I do want to make things right and not just bury myself in a hole and be isolated because someone might call me out on something. Hiding is a cowardly way out.

The whole time I ran from my problems and pain and that is I learned to survive. It is not an excuse; there comes a point to look at everything, admit, make right what I can, and give the rest to God.

Step Seven in my journey is just the beginning of looking at everything that has been at the root of the harm to other people, places, and things. I believe that humility must come before going into Step Eight.

It reminds me that I do not have to go into self-pity and just give a brush off once more. Humility gives the foundation and strength to admit to the harms I have caused, so that I might be genuine making my list and forthright in step nine to make the amends.

It is a lifelong process that makes it possible to live in my own skin and not have regrets. I have always yelled at others to look at the truth.
It is not about them anymore. It never was.

Thank you for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’All Everybody !

Getting Through Anger While Making Necessary Changes

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Good morning!

Welcome everyone as I share more of my uncovering the steps in my journey.

In my last post, I shared about a relationship and who I have been in the past. However, dealing with those behaviors today and taking in how I behaved back then is embarrassing and shameful. It was important for me around ten years ago to go back and ask for forgiveness and not just offer excuses.

With some people, it was only recently to say that I was wrong. Today I try to do better and not give in to anger. I still get angry, and I am improving in dealing with my anger.

When I am angry today, I need to pause, and I do not always pause. I am still responsible for my triggers and reactions. I have been guilty of fueling my own anger as well. My hope is that I stop and think it through.

Anger and rage for me are just as addictive as any other negative thing I have done. This is another thing I do have control over if I think it through just like a drink. The trick is to stop and take time to reflect and think my emotions and actions through to the end of what next action should be.

I still at times have regrets. I have the choice to do the next right thing. This is a lifelong journey of improvement needed always. What’s inside of me is what counts. No one can really absolve me if I have done wrong. It is my responsibility to take care of me and correct my behavior.

If I am not taking responsibility then I know there can be negative consequences and loss of my freedom. I enjoy the freedom I have, and I wish to continue having that freedom.

One thing that I find happens is when I mention a topic that is a challenge for me, I get to take that challenge. I must admit I did a self-assessment in my pausing and did not catch myself soon enough. I found myself agitated and I raised my voice to someone as I was a little clumsy and needed help. I apologized later and said I was wrong.

It is a continuous challenge to keep vigilant in not letting anger consume me. Holding on to anger is harmful for me. There is even scientific proof that anger can bring on illnesses as well when not dealt with properly.

I want to be the change and break this vicious cycle. I want to be part of the solution today.

It is exceedingly difficult for me to not always be in control. However, it is important to just let go of stuff. The biggest part is using control where it counts. I have proven to myself I can make changes.

Part of the change I have always but never quite achieved is making life as simple as possible. This means stopping the chaos by the simple act of decluttering and downsizing. I do not go as far as being a minimalist, but I do get rid of things now.

The importance of a filing cabinet and filing financial records and identifying information. Currently, smartphones have deleted some physical our memory. Therefore, it is good to have hard copies of current addresses and phone numbers.

Yes, I am saying simple organization makes everything flow better and less tense. It is just one more step in taking responsibility for ourselves.

I just want to close by saying there may be more uncomfortable stuff to share in my journey, but I am striving for the good life today. Anything today is a billion times better than how I once was. It is all in each step.

Thanks for reading!

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out!

God Bless Y’all Everybody!