Gotta Keep Picking Myself Up I’ll Be Okay

red and black train

Photo by Tina Nord on Pexels.com

Hello Everyone! 

 It’s been another long lapse in time since I last blogged.  I do want to be better at time management and being more consistent in writing.  

This week kas been a continuance from the weekend of remembering my dad’s celebration of life and some other memorials throughout my life.  

My assignment has been to feel the feelings. It really sucks to feel the feelings when dealing with grief and other unpleasant emotions. 

I am dealing with my own sickness and even the soul sickness. 

Some might be wondering what a real soul sickness is exactly.  

For me the soul sickness is my disease in my own head that is so self-judgmental in telling me, I don’t have a right to continue to grieve. I have had several other people die in a short time that have touched my life in one way or another. 

The pandemic has magnified a lot of it too, I will also grant that as true.  

On bright side note I will also state I had one full week of not feeling any kind of depression.  

The past 3 days have been jumping through hoops to get things doneI just fall into bed after a day is done. 

I am horrible at follow through even when its for the good of my health and well-being and having to do the pleasant voice act for professional phone calls make me want to scream. 

But I managed to schedule a doctor’s appointment, scheduled a pickup for delivery return, and dropped off a return. I have been playing mix and match with my prescriptions so the right ones get ordered. 

I have not kept up again with family and friends, but the truth is I am feeling fragile. After having to get out yesterday, had me feeling I was going to collapse at the bottom of the stairs leading up to my apartment. 

While a lot of this is just ordinary everyday stuff to toggle through and work out it is exactly the stuff that breaks us. This is known as the small stuff and it’s hard to do, when you’re not sure how much more you can handle. 

To think about self-care in this position is about rest, eating, drinking fluids, taking medications, and my sarcastic side says yes! sometimes getting through by prayer and medication.  

Self-care includes those ten-minute breaks of crying, even though it feels like hours.  

A big misconception seems to be that one is weak for crying. While I do feel weak for crying; I know today that is untrue. 

The pandemic itself has brought on many changes and in some cases, it has taken away a few choices. It sure has brought old and new grief, both. 

Grief makes everything come to the surface. Especially, my fears.  This now becomes a faith walk. I must find gratitude to combat the fear. Some days are easier than others. 

I promised someone I was going to blog Sunday; it is now Wednesday evening. I guess better late than never. 

  1. I am grateful to push through and get several things completed. 
  1. I am grateful for friends to reach out to. 
  1. I am grateful for guidance. 
  1. I am grateful for well wishes and prayers said for me. 
  1. I am grateful even if I am late, I am walking through and feeling the feelings. 
  1. I am grateful I can make this blog entry today. 
  1. I am grateful to have made doctor’s appointments. 
  1. I am grateful for not giving up and throwing in the towel. 
  1. I am grateful to be trying to be less judgmental of myself. 
  1. I am grateful I can stay inside the next several days. I don’t have to get over heated. 

Thanks for reading! 

This has been another blogpost entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out! 

God Bless Y’all Everybody! 

I am Answering My Own Questions

man in brown shirt standing on train rail near coconut palms

Photo by Oliver Sjöström on Pexels.com

Hi Everyone,  

My days and nights are still mixed up, but I finally slept enough to feel better and some tension is relieved.  

It was very hard week for me physically. However, now with the much-needed sleep and rest I think I can heal more. 

I challenged us all to answer questions and I did. I have not discussed them with friends yet. I did discuss them with my therapist who is like a friend in my mind, anyway. 

Here are my answers: 

1.What are you doing to take care of yourself?  

I am sleeping when I can. I am eating at least two meals a day maybe three on good days. I am keeping up with doctors and medications. I am meditating and praying for others. 

  1. How are you sleeping? 

I am sleeping erratically but getting it in. 

  1. How are you eating? 

A lot of the time I am earing too much but at least getting in two meals a day. 

  1. What exercises are helping you? 

Walking is helping a lot.  

  1. Are you really taking quiet time or are you justday dreamingand whistling in the dark?   

I am really taking quiet time and doing my best to shut out the negative voices. I am doing my best at arranging my home to be a sanctuary of calmness. (Decluttering is key). The other part is I think some of us, just can’t always meditate. We are always on overload much of the time, so some days it’s hard not to be just whistling in the dark. 

  

  1. What are you doing to help someone else? 

I blessed someone else with something they needed that I could get for them.  

  1. Are you taking precautions for covid-19?

I am not taking too many trips out; I am staying in for the most part and staying clean. 

  1. What areas have you improved on in your life? 

I am a work in progress. I am working on facing me more when I am alone. I am learning to compromise more. 

  1. What areas in your life need work? 

All of the areas of my life need work with a regular schedule. 

  1. Will you hold on for one more day? 

Yes, I will take each day at a time. 

  1. How much hope do you have? 

I have more hope today than a week ago. 

  1. What’s one positive thing you love about yourself?

That I can be under a lot of stress and finally get sick enough of it to get up anyway and at least set a plan in motion to change things. I am edging other’s opinions about me out because they are none of my business. 

The advice I am giving myself is to go over these questions every two or three days, in hopes of just being accountable to myself. 

I am also still encouraging myself to discuss these questions with one or two friends. 

We often say, if we knew better, we would do better. I want to do better and not according to anyone else’s standards. Every day is a work in progress.  

 10 Things I am Thankful For: 

  1.  Sleep 
  1. The ability to know myself and listen to what my body is telling me what I need 
  1. That I don’t want to stay stagnant and whiny about others or feel the need to criticize others always. 
  1. Healing  
  1. Smiles and joy 
  1. I have been able to provide a roof over my head continuously for over 3 years going on 4 years. 
  1. That I can take criticism when it is shared in a nice way 
  1. My bills are paid  
  1. That I am doing better at admitting wrongs more promptly 
  1. I am not going hungry

Thanks for reading! 

This has been another blog post entry by Boxcar Mike, over and out. 

God Bless Y’all Everybody! 

 

 

 

My Journey is About Progress Rather Than Perfection

low angle photo of volkswagen kombi

Photo by Alfonso Escalante on Pexels.com

Hi Everyone!

I just have to keep writing. I couldn’t get what I wanted to write about into words. Instead, I am sharing my experience today. I want to be intentional and do better. I also want to be better.

I guess I am amazed because every time I think I am going to write on a subject, or use it to chair a meeting, it gets switched. Today I am not sure if it’s God or if I just let myself run out of time.

Maybe a bit of both happened. I am thinking God can use our weaknesses and make something beautiful out of it.

It was a really long day I was trying forever to get caught up on a few things. I also wanted to help someone else. I found myself being helped a lot too. What an amazing day, even though I could feel my energy just being drained.

It was time for my ride, and I felt so unprepared, but I grabbed my stuff and went out the door. I am very grateful for rides today. They help me stay connected. We also get time to share before and after each gathering.

Tonight, someone made me realize it was important to share my anniversary/birthday, even though it felt repetitious.

I also learned what I share matters. It can mean so much to someone relatively new, to know others have stayed clean and sober longer than twenty-four hours.

In spite of everything I have still grown, and someone’s been trying to get me to see that. Sure, maybe I have a lot of work still but compared to how I once was. I can put some words together and possibly say a prayer, and every once in a while, even pause.

I am not quitting on myself today. I want to keep going forward even when I get tired.

A long time ago a friend handed me a card with his phone number on it. On the back of the card, it read me, and my friends don’t hurt each other or ourselves today. We still learn today that we do sometimes hurt others and ourselves today.

We just try not to hurt ourselves or others today. I am guilty of both. I keep searching for the next right thing to do.

Sometimes the next right thing to do seems like a tall order this is why we need to stay connected. I can’t do it alone. I do have to do the work and the piper will come, if I ignore my behavior.

Part of what I can do is carry this part of the message and share my journey along the way as living amends. I cannot change without mending my ways. Finally, I just realized as I am writing this, it takes a lot of grace!

I do want to share with you there is a way out of our self-destructive, messed up ways. There is hope and we have to hang on to it and be willing to take the steps out of the insanity.

The last thing I want to say in this entry is that one day is just as important as someone who has 5, 10, or even 15 years. It works. We can start for hope’s door anytime we choose to.

Thank you for reading! As I’ve mentioned I have Facebook Page Boxcar Mike search for me on Facebook and if you want to be friends let me know on that page or drop a comment here and let me know your name. If you just add me without me knowing you, then I will suspect more spam.

This here Boxcar Mike, over and out! God bless y’all everybody!

 

 

A Recipe Study Thinking I Was Ready

nature-background-hd-3 Photography by: wallpaper found in my collection

Welcome Back! This is a Day 7 Blogpost entry. I am far behind.

I thought I was ready to start in on The Big Book. I got drawn back to read another chapter in the book “A Program for You.”  I really thought Id even get done reading the big book and be ready to do chapter by chapter and step by step this week.

I even shared that fact with my therapist. His recommendation was to take it slow and not rush things.

Now that I have read this third chapter, I am seeing why its important not to rush things. The important things brought out in this third chapter are finding out and understanding our problem, to begin with.

The first step shows us our problem is being powerless, and we need power to overcome our powerlessness. Third thing we have to find is that power which is what was recalled by Bill W. Dr Bob and Bill D.

The three basic questions are as follows:

  1. What is the problem?
  2. What is the solution?
  3. What is the program of action necessary for me to find and to use or implement that solution?

This is where we can finally see The Big Book as a text and study guide or recipe. I am glad that I can see where I was rushing and yet also, I can see where I have now procrastinated and used tiredness as an excuse to fall behind.

I do believe in the Book Alcoholics Anonymous and I do believe in a power greater than myself; Whom I choose to call God as I understand Him and Don’t Understand Him. I don’t expect everyone or maybe anyone, to believe the way I believe.

No matter what we believe I do know that there are no two people on this earth who believe exactly the same.

What I do believe is that the first one hundred people, recovered and they used a simple text or recipe if you will, that is a program of action. I am certainly not saying I wouldn’t love to rush through this. However, if taking my time gets the best results and following these simple directions help me do that, then I want all I can get from it.

I have to keep pressing ahead and do the best I can. I cannot afford for my recovery and well-being to take any days off of blogging.

The blogging happens because I read and learn. I take time to pray and meditate in the middle of it. That’s where the excitement for growth happens but sometimes it is so hard to want to pry the book open to learn. I also have to do better with communication with my closed mouth friend.

I have literally gone to sleep early and taken naps, blowing off our time. I really do care and want more for myself I just have to prove it through action.

I have come to understand a couple of things in recovery time is a great reminder and good to have for milestones to capture those moments in. Quality is what I want to today. Some days I just have to want it more than I want it sometimes. Especially when I let days go by.

21 day Challenge of 3 things to be grateful about for rewiring my brain to happiness:

  1. The opportunity to admit when I am wrong.
  2. The chance to write and share my experience with others.
  3. I am never alone even if I feel like it.

Thanks for reading another blogpost entry by Boxcar Mike. Over and out!

God Bless Everybody!

I am Powerless But I Can Change Me

gratitude3

Hi Everyone,

Welcome back to Boxcarmike! I hope you enjoy following me in my journey. I have missed a day or two of writing so I may end up making up a day or two of my writing because I have limitations. That’s just the way I am going to roll with this.

I am powerless over people, places, things, and situations. The only thing I can change is me.

Its when you realize its beyond addiction or any other sickness, it’s a soul sickness! You have become hardened, sick and tired of being sick and tired. When you get tired enough you become willing to change as only the dying can be willing enough to change. You beg for any direction to change.

When the pupil is ready the teacher will appear. This is so true in my case. The how of it is honest, open minded, and willing. Lets try that again.

Honest

Open minded

Willing

See its all right there in how it works. I am powerless over the past, but I can start my day over anytime I want. Moving forward starts with the first step. For me the first step does still involve my attitude towards alcohol and reminiscing in thoughts of the romance, I once had with it.

You see I became sick and, in my isolation, and getting more tired and sick today. I realize I still grieve for it too. You don’t even realize you’re drowning at the time and so close to going back.

Its time to be honest, open minded, and willing. I haven’t had to do drink or do anything, but I am here to tell you the relapse starts in the mind. I am also here to tell you; the relapse doesn’t have to happen.

But the question always remains am I now willing to listen. Again, I believe it has to be only as willing as the dying can be to change their ways to recover.

The disease of alcoholism can be fatal if not treated. It’s a progressive disease. The disease if you allow it, it will isolate you. I am blessed! I was thrown a rope to tie a knot and hang on to.

Here’s the deal. No one can drag you the whole way. You can be brought to safety.  This is where hope begins. A whole new world can be opened up if, I am only honest, open-minded and willing.

I had to write a letter to my dad accepting his death. Not because I was just told to, but because I needed to do it for me and finally acknowledging his death.

I bring this up because I now see how it’s important, I finally tell alcohol it’s no longer a choice of reminiscing because that romance is only a dance right back to the disease and it will kill me if I allow it. I will kill me If I allow it.

There’s been lots of grieving in my life and it started at a young age of twelve years old and wishing for the guts and a gun to end it all. That’s the real truth of it all. I am an alcoholic and addict. The problem is me and its time to take the trash to the curb once and for all.

I am done grieving just for today!

3 things I am grateful for 21 day challenge:

  1. Friends who tell me the truth
  2. Tears that release years of pain
  3. For the how in the steps I am now ready to take to heal

Thank you for reading another blog post entry of BoxcarMike Over and out! God Bless you Everybody!

 

 

Anger and What I Cannot Deal With

prayer candle

I would like to really pretend I have it all together. That’s not me to be able to do that.

I am just jumping in this post because I have had a hard time managing time, emotions, and sleep. My aim is to be up at 4:45 am every morning and it is very difficult to do, when you have been a night owl.

I will be the first to tell you I don’t like changes at all. To be honest the night owl life was ceasing to serve me in a positive way. I just enjoy it is all. The change needed to happen because, I really became tired from having to wait until afternoon to get everything done.

It was also stealing precious time and I was not functioning well with it. The emotions I have are mounting up much like my incoming mail and dreading to go to the mailbox, or even asking someone to get my mail for me.

I have to deal with professionals five days a week out of seven. You add in my personality which at times can be lighthearted, stupid jokes, and a lot of sarcasm which only carries you so far. Everyone has their personality as well. I also like to think I can mind read a lot as well. Who knew I would fail at that?

But I still like to think I am right most of the time. Oh, the many conversations in my head. The most amazing part is, most don’t even know what they have said to me in my head.

My spirituality has been slipping away and stuff is mounting up to where it’s even affecting my health. I was so angry last week my blood pressure rose to the point of needing be told to go to the emergency room, in which case I did not.

I am definitely not a good patient a and I never have been. I might have a little trouble with being compliant but of course I told my therapist I am compliant with him. I know I want to be, but I am not sure it is true.

I have been dropping more than a few f-bombs and “normal me” is not like that all the time. I feel so good when I go to a meeting though until I have to talk about the real. The sad fact is the solution seems to be surrender and letting go. This all seems to be ringing of admitting that I am powerless over people, places, and things.

My life in a sense, has become unmanageable once more. I can’t afford to be angry because of what all it affects. Once more its not just me that it affects, as I like to think sometimes. It affects those around me or even those associating with me.

Some have walked away. I can’t control what others do and I won’t beg anyone to stay. All I can do is strive for better. Do my best to get more rest and letting go of the stuff that bothers me before it gets to the boiling point. I am still trying to figure out where that point starts and stops.

I cannot be perfect for myself therefore, I sure won’t be so damned perfect for others either. That’s not my job. My job is to get through each twenty-four hours I have upon this earth and give freely of what I find to others.

It is, what it is!

Thanks for reading!

 

My Personal Indepence Day Includes Loving Myself

Ian Espinosa Sparklers

Photo By Ian Espinosa @unsplash.com

Hi Everyone! BoxcarMike here with todays topic along the lines of personal independence from certain medical appendages. I also want to state that just for today I am willing to love myself. It has taken over decade to get to this point where I can say I love me, to myself.

I have had a few health issues and the past two months have had a PICC Line in my arm to receive I-V Antibiotics. I am very grateful it was removed today. I feel freedom without it now.

The one thing that is relevant is that I felt so drained after it was removed because of the added stress I have had in being fearful it would mess up. Towards the end of this journey with the PICC Line I was losing patience with the staff at the infusion center. The nurses though were very good.

I had nurses from another agency come in with the help of my Nurse Practitioner. I was also becoming less patient with acquaintances. When I feel drained, I have less tolerance for people, and it will come out if I don’t remove myself from the situation.

I am exhausted, I have to rely upon self-care at this point, and taking it easy.

Today is the anniversary of celebrating my Dad’s Life 14 years ago. It feels like it was just yesterday, most of the time. My brother, Sister, Mom and others made me smile big smiles today. I honestly felt like my brother was with me even though we just shared some news back and forth. He lives in a whole other country, so it was special.

I still grieve a lot for my dad. I also go through moments of being angry about it, but I recognize that today. Oh, and my brother and sister (his wife- I refuse to call her sister-in-law because she’s like a sister.) They raised a fine son and I can’t be prouder of them for doing so.

My mom is a beautiful loving lady with a great heart for people. There’s so much I still want to fix, like seeing her more but I can’t control that right now. Her husband is just as loving. I miss my mom greatly. I have to be well enough to go see her also.

All in all, I am a work in progress. My independence is just starting. I am hoping I grow more independent and finally heal from everything.

My Grandma says something like, the sun will still rise tomorrow. She has great wisdom and is also very loving and caring. I miss time with her as well. Back to the sun still rising tomorrow, simply means life will go on regardless of my decisions or happiness. It’s up to me to be accepting of each choice I make.

The other thing my Grandma has said when I have been angry is, that I will get glad in the same pants I got mad in. If I just learn to listen and remember there is always great wisdom to live by.

Thanks for reading!

 

Ain’t Ya Tired Yet? Trains and Other Things

 

george cernytrain

Photo by George Cerny@unsplash.com

All Aboard! The train whistle blows! BoxcarMike Here!

It feels so good to be home! I’ve missed me for a while now. I am okay. I am being given the chance to change on a daily basis.

It’s a great thing this train is conditioned, at 100° heat index outside.  Enjoying my afternoon coffee in the cool air.  I am filled with gratitude as I look back over the past 2 months and June the craziest month of all. I am enjoying my cigarettes too because I am still addicted to them. That’s okay today. They are my form of coping with life, but I also pray and meditate, just not always as I should.

I have learned a lot from gathering around the tables the past couple of years just how much chaos we create for ourselves, in this thing we call life. We gotta play the hand we are dealt; here’s one of my dad’s sayings, work smarter not harder!

I learned from saying one prayer God has not dropped me. I have lived in such doubt, right up to the moment my prayer was answered. I haven’t had to take a drink or a drug, through the insanity I caused somehow. But I did lose me in the mix before maybe even up until today and I ranted about the anniversaries this week brings up for me, I realized I was free and honest. This was with my brothers, sisters, and my mama bear as I call her to myself, and a few others around the table today.

When my prayer was answered and yes, a lot of begging God because unless this prayer was answered, I would probably lose my apartment. I knew I deserved no help. I had so much pride I couldn’t let anyone know what was really going on. I don’t have to share that here either. Its just a fact, things were not okay.

July 4th is The USA’s Independence Day. Well I am hoping to have my own Independence Day as well, from this picc-line.

July 5th represents the day we celebrated my Dad’s life 14 years ago. That same day in 1979 was my independence from a foster home where some traumatic things happened, before I ever met my Mom and Dad. Can I let go of any of it? Some days I can, and some days like today, I get reminders to keep on forgiving.

As usual I weep and feel the raw emotions during my writing. But I’ve missed me so much because in all earnestness I love the sober me. I feel deeply in all things, when I allow myself that freedom.

It was last weekend when it dawned on me so many anniversaries were coming up. I couldn’t figure out why I was so crazy, besides everything at home going on. This weekend when my prayer was answered I heard my friend say this, Ain’t ya tired yet? As I shared this after the gathering with someone else, they said yeah, its time to take action. Am I gonna have to go though some time, of being uncomfortable? Probably. Anything is better than what was/is.

I am sure this writing leaves more questions than answers. Really what it comes down to is, it’s between me and God. Just as your life is between you and that power greater than yourself.

Some days are the hardest in learning the art of letting go. Other days, it’s hardest to know what to hold on to.

I am grateful to my friend and Sister in Christ Nancy for this reminder:

Image may contain: text

My Mom and Dad gave me their love and forgiveness, before my Dad died. I gave them my forgiveness and love as well. It is all a process and it is a long journey. It ain’t over until it’s over.

There’s always more people to forgive and the art of accepting forgiveness yourself.

Thanks for reading!