Everyday A Chance To Change My Story

person taking notes at work

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Good Morning Everyone,

I am a day behind and it’s okay. I will hopefully get caught up with a second posting this afternoon.

This morning I am sitting here drinking my coffee and listening to hymns by Selah and thinking about my morning gathering around the tables. How grateful and wonderfully awesome is the chance for change.

Everyday is the chance to change my story. I am thinking about the strength and hope others have given me, as well as them sharing their experience.

I know I am not sharing much about the book right now. Maybe my experience is just what’s important to share right now.

I have been considering the past few months, how far away I am from the God of my understanding and as I don’t understand Him. Please don’t try to correct me on this because, the God of my understanding tells me there is a mystery I don’t understand.

After all a power greater than me and an all-knowing presence …There has to be more than I understand or can ever comprehend. It’s the God connection that changes my story.

You can get as angry as you want, I am finally surrendering to the fact I can’t ever know all there is to this. I am not shoving it down your throat, this is my experience.

I am not sure I can ever go back to the child understanding of God. Each hymn takes me back to childhood part of me and it also raises inside of me, a belief stronger than I have had in maybe, years.

What? Am I supposed to leave this out of my experience, because it might make others uncomfortable? It’s part of my journey! Whether you realize it or not, all of you are part of my journey and so is every experience.

It’s all still piece-meal for me, accepting truths a little bit at a time.

What I do know is the simple part. Striving to wake up each morning and asking God to direct my thinking that I would not be sucked into self-pity or false pride. Asking for God for protection and care to keep me away from a drink.

I need help doing the next right thing, as well as what I can do for someone else.

Throughout the day asking God to help me pause in difficult times or when I am tempted to be angry saying the prayer to save me from being angry. Yes, there’s a lot I need saved from and it always seems to be, being broken down enough to ask for help.

I cannot do it on my own. By the same token though, no one can do the steps or the foot work for me.

It also means pausing before I speak or do anything. The three questions always to consider is it kind, is it necessary, and is it helpful.

At night remembering to go over my day would be key as well. Making sure I have corrected any wrong along the way. I am a slow learner at this. Then finally saying a prayer of thanks for one more day. The bottom line, if I do my part God can’t help but do His part.

We are now back at the beginning, where we started with the first 100 people. They each woke up each day, having the chance to change their story. Just for today I can do this with God and everyone else.

Thank you for reading! This here’s Boxcar Mike over and out!

God Bless Y’all!

A Recipe Study Thinking I Was Ready

nature-background-hd-3 Photography by: wallpaper found in my collection

Welcome Back! This is a Day 7 Blogpost entry. I am far behind.

I thought I was ready to start in on The Big Book. I got drawn back to read another chapter in the book “A Program for You.”  I really thought Id even get done reading the big book and be ready to do chapter by chapter and step by step this week.

I even shared that fact with my therapist. His recommendation was to take it slow and not rush things.

Now that I have read this third chapter, I am seeing why its important not to rush things. The important things brought out in this third chapter are finding out and understanding our problem, to begin with.

The first step shows us our problem is being powerless, and we need power to overcome our powerlessness. Third thing we have to find is that power which is what was recalled by Bill W. Dr Bob and Bill D.

The three basic questions are as follows:

  1. What is the problem?
  2. What is the solution?
  3. What is the program of action necessary for me to find and to use or implement that solution?

This is where we can finally see The Big Book as a text and study guide or recipe. I am glad that I can see where I was rushing and yet also, I can see where I have now procrastinated and used tiredness as an excuse to fall behind.

I do believe in the Book Alcoholics Anonymous and I do believe in a power greater than myself; Whom I choose to call God as I understand Him and Don’t Understand Him. I don’t expect everyone or maybe anyone, to believe the way I believe.

No matter what we believe I do know that there are no two people on this earth who believe exactly the same.

What I do believe is that the first one hundred people, recovered and they used a simple text or recipe if you will, that is a program of action. I am certainly not saying I wouldn’t love to rush through this. However, if taking my time gets the best results and following these simple directions help me do that, then I want all I can get from it.

I have to keep pressing ahead and do the best I can. I cannot afford for my recovery and well-being to take any days off of blogging.

The blogging happens because I read and learn. I take time to pray and meditate in the middle of it. That’s where the excitement for growth happens but sometimes it is so hard to want to pry the book open to learn. I also have to do better with communication with my closed mouth friend.

I have literally gone to sleep early and taken naps, blowing off our time. I really do care and want more for myself I just have to prove it through action.

I have come to understand a couple of things in recovery time is a great reminder and good to have for milestones to capture those moments in. Quality is what I want to today. Some days I just have to want it more than I want it sometimes. Especially when I let days go by.

21 day Challenge of 3 things to be grateful about for rewiring my brain to happiness:

  1. The opportunity to admit when I am wrong.
  2. The chance to write and share my experience with others.
  3. I am never alone even if I feel like it.

Thanks for reading another blogpost entry by Boxcar Mike. Over and out!

God Bless Everybody!

I Cant Get it Through Osmosis

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Good Morning Everyone,

Welcome to another thought on my journey. I wanted to get back to the book I am now reading “A Program for You.”  In my last post about this book we learned that the first 100 People of AA wrote The Big Book.

The main starting of the Fellowship began out from the Oxford Groups with Ebbie T. Bill W and Dr Bob were the co-founders of AA and much help from Dr William D Silkworth. Bill D. was AA number three. It would take two years to write the book and have it published in 1939.

Chapter three of “A Program for You”, is learning to use The Big Book correctly. I am so grateful for this chapter. It really brought a lot to light. Here’s the real deal of this book. The authors state that if you never read any part of The Big Book to put down this book and begin immediately.

That tells me a lot about the authors having integrity and their belief in using The Big Book. They are out to help jump start people into reading it and following the program of action.

They explain through out this chapter to which I can attest to over at least hanging out in AA how over the years the true message has been watered down. The fellowship of AA came out of the Program of AA not the other way around, as said exactly in this book. I know That I have just wanted to take what I want and leave the rest.

I realize this may sound like I am preaching AA. For me this is the message I needed to hear. You all are only getting to hear what I need. After reading this chapter, I now even realize how important it is for me to read the first 164 pages of The Big Book.

While we cannot do this thing alone it has been told proven to me time and again, no one can do the work for you. You cannot get this through osmosis. This is what I know for me. After all I am just writing this for me and if it helps someone else, then great.

They say the proof is in the pudding. Well I want to take these steps now, and really have a program working in me.

I can write and read all I want. Without change it is fruitless. This I know. I am not willing to let myself water down the experience or the actions in taking these steps. The thing is, I really want more spiritual experiences and to be able to trust and let go.

I also hope to share my journey with anyone else who has this in common. I am so blessed by any who have and are apart of my life. It’s time for me to read and take some direction so that change is a reality and not just a dream.

Day 6 3 things I am grateful for 21 days of rewiring my brain to be happy:

  1. Grateful to the Program of AA
  2. Grateful to God for waking me up for another day
  3. Grateful for the chance to change

Thanks for reading! This has been another blog post entry of BoxcarMike over and out!

God Bless Everybody!

 

It’s A Spiritual Axiom Set Me Free!

prayer candle

Hi Everyone,

Welcome back to another visit with Boxcar Mike and his thoughts on this journey.

It was a long day today. The weather was partly sunny and humid. I got home and knew I could not take a nap. I had things to do. I needed to pay a bill and deal with the cable company and delivery. I had lunch before I came home which was good. The day just seemed to drag out. It was finally time to go to a meeting and I was dragging big time.

My feet were tired, and I felt grumpy. I didn’t even want to go to a meeting, but I knew I needed to as it’s part of my commitment to myself and others now.

I got to the meeting place with my friend. I am thankful for the rides he gives me. He is very generous that way.

I could feel myself getting ready to express my grumpiness as another man showed up and made a negative remark and it just hit me wrong. I go inside as I say my feet are very tired and sore. I chat with another friend and she gives me some candy, for which I am grateful for. It helped me get through the meeting.

Another gentleman came in, one I might add that can get under my skin. I found myself closing my eyes and praying. This is a huge change for me. I have never stopped myself in the middle of a bad feeling, to just pray.

Later on, in the middle of this meeting this same gentleman starts in again and I start to feel mad. What I found was, I absolutely stopped again and closed my eyes just praying. I opened them again feeling really close to wanting to say something. Instead a grin comes across my face and I said, “Okay God, you have a great sense of humor!” I even write it down and show it to my friend.

Man, I am laughing on the inside because I finally feel this program of action alive in me again. I finally feel the release and that I did need that meeting!

Here’s the irony of this whole meeting, we read about taking a moral inventory. We read about repairing the damage we have done and harms we have caused and stopping it. The thing that I shared one before during and after the meeting is learning that we need the pauses in our life. Maybe it is time to just close our eyes and pray when we start feeling anger.

I also shared not originally by me, but that part of taking care is moving our cereal bowl, so other people don’t pee in it. I have a responsibility to take in taking care of myself.

Something finally rings true for me and it freeing to have the knowledge of it. It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us. Page 90 Twelve Steps And Twelve Traditions Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

I can no longer handle anger like normal men. I never could. I don’t like how anger makes me feel today. I refuse to stay a prisoner in my own anger. I am taking walk to free myself. I want a true spiritual life where I let go of all the junk and free myself from such hatred. I don’t have to stay stuck today.

I have hope today. I said this to a friend this evening, “I finally feel hope!”  I pray you have hope today too, my friends.

Day 2 of our 21 days of being grateful for 3 things.

  1. I am grateful for a meeting
  2. I am grateful for God’s sense of humor.
  3. I am grateful for prayer.

Thanks for reading! I hope you join me in listing 3 things we are grateful for in 21 days each day.

This has been another blog entry by Boxcar Mike Over and Out! God Bless Everybody!

 

Grieving Letting Go and Gratitude

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Hi Everyone,

My schedule keeps getting goofed up by lack of sleep and being up when I should be asleep. Its been difficult for me to keep up with my blog. I am trying to take steps to be positive and change. One of the hardest things for me is to make changes stick.

I am still determined to do better. I just have to realize I can’t jump up and do everything on the turn of a dime. It takes being patient with myself and others and those things in my life that seem so difficult to tackle. Change is a process. What I have been doing wrong is giving up before I even get started.

I feel some gratitude after talks and reading and writing a letter. I have been severely depressed for some time. I haven’t wanted to admit it but I feel some better even with the depression. I can’t say it’s all gone.

However, a ton of weight came off of me after talking, attending a meeting, and writing a letter. In the past I have always said well, I am better now. I am better, but I have a long way to go.

The things that come into play for me is the past and feeling guilt. Feeling remorse over things I don’t have control over. There are plenty of things I never chose or had control over to begin with. Some other things are learning to let go.

Even in grieving. It’s been fourteen years since my dad died. Many days have been grieving almost as much as I did when he first died. With the suggestion and help from a friend, I finally had to write a letter telling him I was letting go and that I accepted he died.

It was a long time even maybe a year later after he died my mom told me, I could say he died. Because that’s what he did! He died.

I know if you know me you think I just beat this gratitude into the ground. The fact is I am grateful today. I am grateful I can let go and push forward. I am never going to forget my dad, nor will I probably not smile or cry when I think about him.

I don’t have to grieve everyday like he just died today. I have decided I am going to get a plant though and put his picture up he deserves to be in my apartment. I deserve to be able to recognize him on a daily basis. He loved me. My mom and him saved me in ways I can never explain.

Yes, I deserve to be happy today. Yes, I can celebrate him and not have to be sad all the time. The other thing I am done with is trying to earn peoples love, man! Not one thing I can do to earn anyone’s love! I can’t go chasing knocking people down for not being better at some points. Its not my job to run people down or even make them like me.

I love me enough to let go today. I may not be perfect at it and it’s a process like anything else. But I am going for the prize of freedom. Won’t you run with me? Let’s find 3 things for 21 days to be grateful for. Let’s rewire our brains together on this journey.

I will end with 3 things I am grateful for today:

  1. I am grateful for freedom
  2. I am grateful for a new outlook
  3. I am grateful for book given to me I really wanted and need both

Thanks for reading and love ya all!

BoxcarMike here, over and out!

 

Stop The Crazy Train in My Head

crazy train

Photo By Melanie Hughes @nutsycoco at Unsplash.com

 

Good Morning Everyone,

Today’s topic is on the crazy train. The crazy train is in my mind. Today with the support of those around me, I know I have a choice to not get on the crazy train.  I find I am no different than most and I am resistant to change. I do have a desire to want change and I can even see the map before me. But in order to change, action must take place.

For me it became even the tiniest thing to do different. The action in difference was to call someone when I am not thinking clearly. I could hear myself repeat to them my thoughts and them ask me for specific information and say it back to me. The step is communication. I do not have to keep repeating the same things and getting what I have always gotten.

What exactly is the crazy train? The crazy train for me is getting information and allowing it to consume me to the point of running through several scenarios of that information and choosing one to be the truth. The fact is all I have done is magnified the negativity of such that the truth is distorted. In other words, I have created a lie and believe it.

I put the change to this in effect over the weekend. I was emotional and realized, maybe I needed someone else to hear what my mind was saying so I wouldn’t be so crazy.

Even crazier, is people have been telling me over the years I have done this, and I refused to believe them. The thought to change my pattern happened, when I caught myself doing it.

The symptoms start with the emotional roller coater we take on. We start having conversations in our head with people who have no clue we are even talking to them. We take our distorted pictures and thoughts for truth. We make decisions based on the lies we believe. We are doing ourselves and others a great disservice when we act in this way. It does nothing to help the situation at hand, when we carry on in negativity.

Looking back on the conversation that took place, I was not put down or made to feel stupid. In fact, I already felt that way from what I was doing to myself before the phone call. The person heard me and spoke gentle.

They also admitted they didn’t know for sure on certain facts and didn’t have all the answers. That’s okay even if the person doesn’t have the answers. At least I could slow down and hear the truth. They were able to help me as far as they had the ability too and as far as I was willing to listen.

As much as negativity can have a domino effect, I believe positivity does as well. It is trusting the process and being willing to put ourselves out there. Each step into change makes room for more changes. It’s definitely not easy, but it is simple if I just listen to myself, God, and others.

This is BoxcarMike, let’s take good care of ourselves and help others. We Might just be a blessing to someone else.

Thanks for reading!