Welcome Back Y’all !
I go from cold, to hot, to cold, along this journey. I won’t hide that from you. I am in hopes of being able to stay the course now.
What I have been describing and sharing with others in this journey whenever I have mentioned my anger, is going back to that alcoholic thinking. I have wanted to control things and make an impact so that I can have my way. It doesn’t work.
Anger has stopped working for me and I did not realize it the same way I was with alcohol. It had been a long-time quit working for me, before I could acknowledge it wasn’t working anymore.
My self –reliance and self-will cannot cure it or make it go away. I needed help and I finally asked for it, like a dying man. My world was crumbling and even as I write this it is fresh what my thinking and ways were doing to me even yesterday morning with just thoughts alone.
I have not found it necessary to pick up a drink in fifteen years. However, of real serenity I have had very little. Why? Because I have been unwilling until now! I am grateful I never picked up in these years and a lot of help along the way and I have even had some growth but it’s not enough anymore.
When I finished writing last night I was chatting with a friend and I finally admitted unless I do these steps I will self-destruct. I asked for help and direction.
I get to change my ending in a brand-new way today by being willing and as a reader suggested, finally surrendering! Isn’t it so much easier to just surrender than whistling in the dark? It’s a lot less lonely too.
As usual these days I am in tears as I write this because I finally want that freedom, I have craved. The funny thing is the only way I will get it is by telling on my disease and surrendering.
Here’s a key for you. This is one of those diseases that will lie to you and tell you nothing is wrong with you. But I admit my life is unmanageable and without help it is too much for me to bear alone.
Step 1 became my admission that I am an alcoholic and my life is unmanageable. Along with that I am filled with rage, I am an addict, and I can be a narcissist.
While I have made progress, I am here to tell you I have done things to get me where I am, that my life is unmanageable. I did those things to me out of not being responsible for me. I have to take responsibility for my life today.
This is where the steps come into play and real recovery starts. It starts each day and no matter what, refusing to give up or give in.
- I am grateful for the truth today.
- I am grateful I can surrender to a program of action today
- I am grateful for a loving God who can express Himself in me and make known the desires of my heart.
- I am grateful I don’t have to stay suck today or lie to cover up another lie.
- I am grateful for help and direction.
- I am grateful I don’t have to live in fear today.
- I am grateful I could see joy in another human being yesterday.
- I am grateful for all of my friends each one is different and I see each of their unique ways as a colorful world.
- I am grateful for aunts, grandmothers, mothers, brothers and sisters who pray.
- I am grateful for the strength to write this today and Iam not falling apart I get to pick up the pieces today.
This Boxcar Mike! Thanks for reading ya’ll Over and Out!
God Bless Y’all Everbody!