Surrendering Got Me To Step 1

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Welcome Back Y’all ! 

I go from cold, to hot, to cold, along this journey. I won’t hide that from you. I am in hopes of being able to stay the course now. 

What I have been describing and sharing with others in this journey whenever I have mentioned my anger, is going back to that alcoholic thinking. I have wanted to control things and make an impact so that I can have my way. It doesn’t work.  

Anger has stopped working for me and I did not realize it the same way I was with alcohol. It had been a long-time quit working for me, before I could acknowledge it wasn’t working anymore.   

My self –reliance and self-will cannot cure it or make it go away. I needed help and I finally asked for it, like a dying man. My world was crumbling and even as I write this it is fresh what my thinking and ways were doing to me even yesterday morning with just thoughts alone. 

I have not found it necessary to pick up a drink in fifteen years. However, of real serenity I have had very little. Why? Because I have been unwilling until now! I am grateful I never picked up in these years and a lot of help along the way and I have even had some growth but it’s not enough anymore. 

When I finished writing last night I was chatting with a friend and I finally admitted unless I do these steps I will self-destruct. I asked for help and direction.  

I get to change my ending in a brand-new way today by being willing and as a reader suggested, finally surrendering! Isn’t it so much easier to just surrender than whistling in the dark? It’s a lot less lonely too.  

As usual these days I am in tears as I write this because I finally want that freedom, I have craved. The funny thing is the only way I will get it is by telling on my disease and surrendering.  

Here’s a key for you. This is one of those diseases that will lie to you and tell you nothing is wrong with you. But I admit my life is unmanageable and without help it is too much for me to bear alone. 

Step 1 became my admission that I am an alcoholic and my life is unmanageable. Along with that I am filled with rage, I am an addict, and I can be a narcissist.  

While I have made progress, I am here to tell you I have done things to get me where I am, that my life is unmanageable. I did those things to me out of not being responsible for me. I have to take responsibility for my life today.  

This is where the steps come into play and real recovery starts. It starts each day and no matter what, refusing to give up or give in. 

  • I am grateful for the truth today. 
  • I am grateful I can surrender to a program of action today 
  • I am grateful for a loving God who can express Himself in me and make known the desires of my heart. 
  • I am grateful I don’t have to stay suck today or lie to cover up another lie. 
  • I am grateful for help and direction. 
  • I am grateful I don’t have to live in fear today. 
  • I am grateful I could see joy in another human being yesterday. 
  • I am grateful for all of my friends each one is different and I see each of their unique ways as a colorful world. 
  • I am grateful for aunts, grandmothers, mothers, brothers and sisters who pray. 
  • I am grateful for the strength to write this today and Iam not falling apart I get to pick up the pieces today. 

This Boxcar Mike! Thanks for reading ya’ll Over and Out! 

God Bless Y’all Everbody!  

Willing To Be a Ripple Brings Change About

nature water drops of water liquid

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Good Morning Everyone!

I am finally getting a post in again! Its so great to be able to share with you all my journey.

I have taken break from my regular reading but that will start again today. The past week I have been celebrating my 15 years of being clean and sober. I have been to all my regular gatherings around the tables.

I am just overwhelmed still by the natural structure the meetings have placed in my life.

I have so much to be thankful for.

The gatherings as I refer to them, are about being apart of and doing the deal. One of the gifts in sobriety today is being included. I also get to experience that fellowship time. Another is sharing with people in a general way and still a few, at gut level. I still tend to be guarded and at least I can recognize that today.

One important lesson I have learned in the past few weeks, but it did not hit home until tonight. That is when my willingness stops all the teachers disappear. They may show up as friends and all but man I learned I am heavy with the judgment. The doors slam with a clang when I start that crap.

The world is not all about me today. I often act like it is though. I even mentioned I was not a good example of sobriety and I do mean that. I am hoping restarting the willingness and really doing this deal, changes that.

I am also hoping for the people who aren’t good for me I continue the distance thing and start including more who are good for me. I need to get out of the driver’s seat and listen to some direction though.

The biggest thing for me and I think all people is letting go of the crap that doesn’t serve us. I’ve held on to a lot out of sentimental reasons. Wanting my fantasy back and not accepting people moved on and some have died. I have no control over that crap.

There’s been a lot of hurt I know I am in denial of, that I even created. It doesn’t matter if its unintentional. Trust me when I say, probably on some level it was intentional. That’s the truth.

Sometimes the truth hurts. That’s why in all honesty it has to be dealt with. We have to be hard on ourselves, but down the hammer. Beating ourselves up will never make it right and in fact its just false pride thinking we don’t have to face the real music as long as we continue beating ourselves up.

In California we’d have camp meetings around a fire. Someone would yell “get off the cross, we need the wood for the fire!” when one would start blubbering about all the crap they did. I used to think that was harsh. I thought it was harsh because, I was one of the ones blubbering.

Today I get to be a ripple if I am willing.

I have a page on my personal Facebook and my page is Boxcar Mike check me out on there https://www.facebook.com/BoxcarMike-1589704404503496 If you try to friend me on my personal time leave me a note in Boxcar Mike  otherwise I will consider it spam. If I don’t know you, I don’t know you. Also just give it a minute and like me.

I am doing a 30-day challenge of rewiring my brain of 3 things I am grateful for each day. I got the Grateful Dead playing “Ripple”.

Thank you all for reading! This is Boxcar Mike over and out!

God bless Y’all !